haven’t been on this shit in weeks. 

about my second week right now living with Noel.

I just read that shit.  fricken a.  tearing up

words cannot fathom how furiated/upset/sad I am right now.  I hella wanna audition for this one group err whatever that’s hella raw and are performing at this one thang.  even though I’m not sure if I’ll make it in.  at least to try it out, yeno?  welps my mom won’t let me.  I mean, I still can go to auditions this weekend cuhs they’ll be out.  but that’s hella heat.  like, helllla heat.  well, knowing me I’ll go as long I have gas.  I’m tryna get brookie to come with.  I mean I’m honestly not sure if I’ll make it.  with what I’ve taken and whatnot.  but shit I can’t help but be optimistic.  well, hella optimistic LOL.  fawkk how the hell did my mom let me do vhong’s dance every night of the week in daly city till midnight.  but I can’t do this where practice is only twice a week and on the weekends.  wtf cornbread.  I might just get back at my mom by yada yada tonight.  but what if I go, then I don’t want my head to be all fucked up yeno.  plus fiance hella doesn’t want me to do that.  we’ll see.  I’ll burn if anything.

I was so mad I even told my mom that Imma do drugs cuhs of her.  fuck that.  freal, dancing’s my fucking anti-drug.  it really is.  &I know for a fact if I do this shit, I’ll be clean as fuck.  but ohwelps Imma be a dumbass now.

going out tonight forfuckingsure.  I don’t know with who.  hopefully babe can come out.  I don’t wanna be stuck with blah blah blah even though it’s fine.  I wanna go out hella bad.  like freal.  and wanted to burn hella bad today.  I don’t even fucking know why!  I never get those kind of urges.  welps it was hella chill today. 
today was fun just with fiance &his cousin.  then brookie slid through :D  I’m so happy she did.  she made a big part of my day.

deuces,
<33raynigg

four point OHHHH

that’s right nigga.  I just got less credit for makeup work.  the one day I missed cuhs I left my house.  got me hella mad.  it’s coo though.  why do I have a feeling Imma hella slip next quarter.  welps just can’t be thinking that way or else I really will.  just needa get all the fun outta me this week.. if that’s possible -__-

todayy visited grandpa.  been hella long.  then people tried to get me to go to lovefest for even a bit.  but we were boutta leave so I couldn’t.  it’s whateverrrr though I don’t really want to. 
but it looks like I’m going to clear lake.  my cousin sounded forsure he’s going when he told me he is.  we’re most likely just boutta burn the whole time there.

smacked last night.  I was iffy about that shit but it turned out arright.  then stayed up in fiance’s car till morning in the coldness.  supercute.  still kind of felt it when I woke up. 
I don’t wanna wait till next month but think we have to.

Imma start work soooon.  no wifey in the club ahah but I have a feeling Imma just spend my paychecks on hella bullshit.  cuhs my first one is going to an adventure forsuuuure.

I need:
`boots
`jacket
`purse
`good lovin hah

today was supercreez.  especially compared to all of yesterday’s bullshiett.  well I felt better by the end of the day, thanx(:  soo school was fun as it always is.  I was pretty tired though and fell asleep while they took a video of me -___-  haha it was actually kind of cute.  but I think I was tired from all that crying.  it really wears me the fuck out though.  hmm then took terminology finals.  I was hella happy how it was open book.  then tried the school’s pumpkin spice.  blehhck.  hmm then had another spelling competition shiett.  went hella rounds but ended up second place =T  cuhs of this smartass old lady ARRGHHHH.  I got a medal but she got a fucking yellow piggy bank!  wtf is that!  I mean.. it’s fucking yellow!  fmyliiiife.  hmm then comp was chill and shit.  only smoked 1.5 today :D 
ohyeah so prolly the best part of my day..  fuck that, my month.  my mom noticed my lip ring wasn’t on then she said I’m…. a good girl!!  holy shit when was the last time she said that.  err anyone for that matter ahah then she said I look hecka pretty.  waoww.  naks nafuckingman.

then got to see vampire after practice today.  last time was like monday morning.  sucks peanuts.  butyeah it was a goodass day.  hella happy right now.  hmm I wonder if I’m still on probation.

iunoo what to be for halloween.

I don’t think I want it to happen this month.  sorryy

btw, I agree.  I guess it’s just me.

hmm this weekend.  I felt dumbass special for being invited to the baptism =*X  soo went to that on saturday with fiance and son in oakland.  I know right.  been a while since I’ve been to church so it was nice.  then thanga thang at eden shores.  I drank hellllla ahahah jk well for me that’s a step up for not going crazy.  umm dumbshit with my phone.  got asked out, but I had a horrible day.  plus I’d rather be sober.  sorryy ahahah there’s always next week yeah?

sunday finally finished all my fucking homework.  then had to sneak out cuhs my mom is gay and won’t let me drive to school meaning yada yada.  picked up my posterboard that looks pretty boss.  the leper’s first time sneaking out.  same old bitch.  then gay crap with my phone.. again wtff fuck my fucking life.
hella knocked out when I got home today.  till now I’m hella tired.  needa fucking hundreds lighter.  mm visiting my grandpa this saturday!  tell me why I can’t wait.  I used to visit every weekend.  &now it’s like hella special.  ish.  &I can kick it.  nakssss.  ish.  so break next week.  for like ten fucking days.  I mean till a few hours ago I was hella juiced.  cuhs now I realized there’s a chance of my mom making me stay home.  fawkk even if I do have goodass grades, that might buy me just half of the break to leave.  got me sad.  I cried ish ahahah stfu.

btw, I’m listening to the songs right now.  True Romance is supercute.  they all explain everything.  shit, I may be making a huge mistake with all this.  but understand when I tell you that I cannot take the pain and anger you’ve put me through already.  &more to come, whether you try or not.  our differences overcome us, hella bad.  the pain; don’t get me started.  I can’t begin to fathom with all that shit.  I did you wrong too and we both don’t deserve that shit.  this’ll give us the chance to start something new.  we’ll both be good at it because we’ve learned countless lessons together and apply them.  I’m thankful for what we had.

one kapamilya

successss.  soo left the house at umm like ten ish then picked up niggas and whatnot.  got lost like a muhfucker.. twice!  aghh hella frustrating lol then finally got to pga.  first ride was delirium where rj looked fucking hilarious cuhs she was scared shitless ahah then afterwards she looked like death lmaoo it was my first ride with vampire and.. fiance?  lol then rode drop zone for my very very first time.  scariest shit ever, couldn’t even open my eyes.  there wasn’t any lines so it was coo.  didn’t have time to ride top gun err wet rides but it’s good.  still had hella fun with what I got to ride.  snuck them to the show but got caught arrghh then I stole hella food for them backstage.  did not spend one dollar the whole day there :D  skillets.  performing was pretty fun though.  pretty sure it was worth it.  just found out they had a party afterward but I left.  it’s coo I had fun at hayward, talking about the marriage on the 24th ahah fuck now everyone knows about it. 
ohyeah then waiting at the parking lot for the traffic to clear was hella fun.  made a bigass scene with a play fight.  it was fucking funny till I ran out of things to say AHAH hella hard not to laugh.  I wanna do that shit again hella in public

needa quit before I get a stroke.  had two today.

my mom wasn’t kidding when she said she wouldn’t let me drive anymore.  such bullshit.  I’m mustering up a plan for my break.  hmm

fuck you lucy.  or whatever the hella your name is.  jk, I don’t care what the fuck you do.  well iunoo maybe I do.  but I can’t do anything about it and I shouldn’t care.  I’m trying not to.  I want you to be happy.  she doesn’t have shit on me.  well maybe she does.  but whatever goodluck, &if ever I see you two together I just might fucking cry.  no I will.  but I’m trying trying trying trying not to give a fuck.  gotta get used to this shit.
I was hella sad like friday night I think it was.  I was quiet at practice and tearing up.  I was like nothing was wrong till I got the opinion of two of my older dancer friends.  they said I’m over it, and it’s just normal.  then got a third and he said the same.  they’re all grown so I feel pretty reassured.  he’s a tight ass friend.  then my friend told me that quote today at school and I was like OHHHH yes that’s exactly it ish.  except prolly a tiny dot left.  but I mean I’ve been thinking and it’s like iuno if it’s just being stuck in the second stage err I’m just not into it.  cuhs like, from the beginning I’ve always gotten annoyed and shit.  &unaccepting. 
it’s different this time around thoo.  wayy different.  makes me super happy.
but nevertheless, I’m 95% ready to start something new.  just needa know you better and start listening to what you tell me.  not that hard cuhs I really am now.  we’re superfucking cute.  in due time.  just don’t wanna fuck things up.  I’m determined not to.

why do I see the bad things in guys now.  used to never.  now it’s like, I always find shit wrong about them.  but I’m trying to look past that.  &yeno what I don’t care about your opinion.  ohyeah, my dad doesn’t want me to have a boyfriend.  that won’t stop me though, like I ever listened to him.  but it’s not like I don’t care about his opinion cuhs I do respect him.  but don’t worry this time I won’t let it affect my grades.  shit, not even he will.  the A’s just keep rolling in.  I was hella happy today when I got an A on my midquarter test where everyone got shit wrong.  fuck I’m happy

<33ryngg

happy birthday Son!

love, Mom ahah.  mm soo I broke my almost five weeks pill free on son’s birthday the other night.  after practice then went straight to school without any fucking sleep and still somewhat on.  hmm, but I’m pretty sure that I was being legit with what I said.  I’m just shy.  but I’m like hella feeling it now.  I’m super happy.  all I need now is to stay sober and get sleep.  I got four hours of sleep in the past two days.  =( then got fucked up last night offa wine.. like freal I didn’t think I would.  and yakked like crazy.  blehhck

today is Meatball dayy!  :D  seeing it tonight after practice, or so I’m hoping to.  it’s already seven and idk how I’m getting to daly city tonight.

now I know how you feel when you read my blogs with other people.  well actually I’ve always been the jealous one so you may not feel half the emotions I go through when I read your’s.  UGHHHH

• graduate at 20
• get career by 21
• get married by 22.5
• have a kid by 23,

my goals for the near future.

strike out my last post.  stuuuuupid.  well yada yada I don’t feel like typing what happened.  I thought my hits were weak, but viet told me otherwise.  I need a fucking backbone.  I thought I was just being hella sensitive or having addictions.  but there’s a fucking limit.  I’m not putting myself through that kind of bullshit ever afuckingain.  I swear, fucking homewrecker knockass useless piece of.. um, chow mein.  shiett.  like freal freal I won’t.
I don’t like being sad.  I need real ass friends.  feels like I got played or some shit.  gahh

ohyeah, so that dance evolution thanga thang.  had practice at my house last minute last night.  the dancers weren’t fob like I had expected.  ohyeah and whats her face ends up at my house from the city.  hellof weird.  but then this and this happened which made me not wanna get into that and that.

cereal.  I felt kind of really really bad.  I don’t like doing that kind of shit to guys.  arrgh I wish I could be just as serious &whatnot.  hm but after that, like today I feel like I wanna be.  but iuno could just be my mood or some dumb shit.  soo I’ll just see till like the end of the week

Meatballs in 3days!

I am pissed the fuck off right now.  UGHHHH I’m hella heated, like I’m getting hella hot right now.  wtfffff I’m NOT gonna ehralsnfl;dkjfklasdjf;lj.  shitfuck